To be honest, I am not sure which of the two I am experiencing at this point. I have been so on point with my thoughts regarding how I have been eating and in general how I have been treating my body. I have been abusive to myself both physically and mentally. If I had done this to a child or an elderly person someone would call the authorities on me. So why is it ok to do it to myself? It's not ok.
If you have read my blog from earlier this week, you may know my husband was hospitalized. The circumstances are beyond my control, but not beyond his. He has abused himself, but in a different manner. Now, unfortunately, he is suffering the consequences. Funny though, that what he has done to himself has affected me so profoundly. I found myself overstressed and nerves frayed since last week.
Tonight, I found myself at my Weight Watchers meeting in tears. I spoke up about how, even though, I had an extremely rough week I managed to stay on target. I saw myself wanted to turn to food to keep the depression at bay. I thought that a huge piece of chocolate cake would keep me sane and happy. I knew it was a lie. I knew that's what the chocolate cake wanted me to think. I knew it missed me and was waiting for me to breakdown and eat it. Well, F&*% YOU, chocolate cake!!! You don't control me. I control myself and my eating habits!
What brought me to this thought tonight was, already being hyper-emotional, a video I had seen. It is called "Doll Face" by Andrew Huang which can be seen here. The version that I was able to find included the video's sound being dubbed over with VNV Nation's song, "Illusion". The combined version can be found here. (I suggest watching the combined version first.) It tied in our Weight Watchers discussion about why are we on this "journey"? Who is it truly for? Is it for us? Or for someone else?
And for the inquiring minds, I will be posting pictures tomorrow (that includes my tombstones for you Trixie). Good night, all.