Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Emotional Breakthrough or Breakdown...

To be honest, I am not sure which of the two I am experiencing at this point. I have been so on point with my thoughts regarding how I have been eating and in general how I have been treating my body. I have been abusive to myself both physically and mentally. If I had done this to a child or an elderly person someone would call the authorities on me. So why is it ok to do it to myself? It's not ok.

If you have read my blog from earlier this week, you may know my husband was hospitalized. The circumstances are beyond my control, but not beyond his. He has abused himself, but in a different manner. Now, unfortunately, he is suffering the consequences. Funny though, that what he has done to himself has affected me so profoundly. I found myself overstressed and nerves frayed since last week.

Tonight, I found myself at my Weight Watchers meeting in tears. I spoke up about how, even though, I had an extremely rough week I managed to stay on target. I saw myself wanted to turn to food to keep the depression at bay. I thought that a huge piece of chocolate cake would keep me sane and happy. I knew it was a lie. I knew that's what the chocolate cake wanted me to think. I knew it missed me and was waiting for me to breakdown and eat it. Well, F&*% YOU, chocolate cake!!! You don't control me. I control myself and my eating habits!

What brought me to this thought tonight was, already being hyper-emotional, a video I had seen. It is called "Doll Face" by Andrew Huang which can be seen here. The version that I was able to find included the video's sound being dubbed over with VNV Nation's song, "Illusion". The combined version can be found here. (I suggest watching the combined version first.) It tied in our Weight Watchers discussion about why are we on this "journey"? Who is it truly for? Is it for us? Or for someone else?

And for the inquiring minds, I will be posting pictures tomorrow (that includes my tombstones for you Trixie). Good night, all.


  1. Lots of love to you. I am SO impressed that you avoided emotional eating because I still struggle with it every. single. day. Glad you are part of Tuesday Happy Hour too! I just started going a few weeks ago myself. :)

  2. Thank you so much for the kind words. Tuesday Happy Hour is an amazing group of people, so supportive. I struggle with the emotional eating all the time, but this week was especially tough. Lots of love back to you, and I will see you next week!!!

  3. That is great you didn't do the emotional eating because it is so easy to fall back on that when things are tough. I am an emotional eater and this time on WW I have been able to control it. I guess that a lot of it has to do with the fact that on Fridays I have a free day after I weigh in. I pretty much eat anything but know that I have to get back to business on Saturday morning. Having a free day really helps me to be better during the week.

  4. I'm so sorry you're struggling, but I'm proud of you for recognizing what was happening and taking control! You deserve to be happy!

    Also, I will be at happy hour this week, so I'll see you then!

  5. I hope thing get better soon for you, I'm sorry things have been this way.

  6. Hey, I know you posted this a while ago but I just wanted to jump in and say hi - I followed you through Trixie but hadn't gotten around to checking your blog yet.

    I too have had some really emotional weeks lately, some things I can control and some things I can't and I'd say when we make it through, still on plan, that's a breakthrough. But it's still perfectly ok to have a breakDOWN along the way. I've cried so much these past two weeks and most of it is just STRESS. And lots of things can trigger the crying, but one thing I do have a connection to is music and that's set me off in crying bursts more than once.

    On that note, am going to check out the video now (hope my comment is not too random and self absorbed, and more as I intended which was to make contact with you and say "I get it").

  7. oh crap and I meant to say I hope your husband is ok and that things are getting better.

  8. Pinky,

    Thanks for the support. Hubby is doing much better actually.

    I am learning that breakdowns are ok, as long as you can build yourself up after it. And don't worry your comment was not self absorbed at all.