Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Emotional Breakthrough or Breakdown...

To be honest, I am not sure which of the two I am experiencing at this point. I have been so on point with my thoughts regarding how I have been eating and in general how I have been treating my body. I have been abusive to myself both physically and mentally. If I had done this to a child or an elderly person someone would call the authorities on me. So why is it ok to do it to myself? It's not ok.

If you have read my blog from earlier this week, you may know my husband was hospitalized. The circumstances are beyond my control, but not beyond his. He has abused himself, but in a different manner. Now, unfortunately, he is suffering the consequences. Funny though, that what he has done to himself has affected me so profoundly. I found myself overstressed and nerves frayed since last week.

Tonight, I found myself at my Weight Watchers meeting in tears. I spoke up about how, even though, I had an extremely rough week I managed to stay on target. I saw myself wanted to turn to food to keep the depression at bay. I thought that a huge piece of chocolate cake would keep me sane and happy. I knew it was a lie. I knew that's what the chocolate cake wanted me to think. I knew it missed me and was waiting for me to breakdown and eat it. Well, F&*% YOU, chocolate cake!!! You don't control me. I control myself and my eating habits!

What brought me to this thought tonight was, already being hyper-emotional, a video I had seen. It is called "Doll Face" by Andrew Huang which can be seen here. The version that I was able to find included the video's sound being dubbed over with VNV Nation's song, "Illusion". The combined version can be found here. (I suggest watching the combined version first.) It tied in our Weight Watchers discussion about why are we on this "journey"? Who is it truly for? Is it for us? Or for someone else?

And for the inquiring minds, I will be posting pictures tomorrow (that includes my tombstones for you Trixie). Good night, all.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Why me!

Have you ever had one of those days? Wait, why am I asking that? We all have! One of those days there things start off bad and just progressively get worse. One of those days that can set all your hard work into the toilet. One of those days that set off the downward spiral!

Well, that pretty much sums up today. It started with me waking up late for work, I just started there! By the grace of I don't know who (I'm an atheist.), I made it there 15 minutes early. I was exhausted and somehow  managed to make it through the first part of the day.  Then about lunchtime I get a frantic text from my husband...the TV has sound but no picture. I don't have money for this now. I was saving money to join the Y, damn it! 

So, stressed, I head to lunch. At this point any appetite I had was gone. I know it is not good to not put some fuel in the old body, so I grab a large cup of grapes. I bring them back to work and nosh on them at my desk. I ended up eating only about half of them. But at least I didn't starve myself. 

My husband had an appointment today so I text him and ask how everything is. Well here comes the last straw, they are taking him to the ER. Now, I am not one to want to air his story, but needless to stay it won't be an overnight stay. And the messed up thing is, he was trying to get started on his new job. Now, I'm still at work, almost an hour from home and I certainly can't leave at this point. 

I am now tired and stressed and I want to sit and eat an entire box of Devil Dogs, a large pizza, maybe some McDonald's and some fried dumplings from the restaurant down the street. I WANT a HUGE chocolate root beer float and maybe a good cry! But for right now I am going to keep my cravings in check. If I can hold it together now, I am capable of more than I thought!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

My 1st Meeting!

Well, as I have posted before I just joined Weight Watchers last week. Tonight was my first meeting, and needless to say, I was a bit nervous. I can remember in the old days getting on a scale in front of a room of people and being mortified when the slide keeps moving to the right...and a little more right...and even more right. The nauseating, stomach dropping, roller coaster feeling...I can still remember it. 

I have decided to attend the same meetings that Sheryl attends. She has been ranting and raving about her leader, Melanie, for a while and I thought to myself she must be a great leader to keep Sheryl so motivated. During the last week or two I have been twittering about joining WW, and much to my surprise Melanie began following my tweets. Sheryl was right, she is super supportive. (So are Sheryl an Trixie though, have to give credit where credit is do!) 

I walk into the meeting nervous as can be, and I complete my registration. And then comes the moment of truth, 173.4 lbs!!!!! Holy shit (Please excuse my French!) I had to take a moment to get my jaw off the floor. I weighed myself last week and I was 181 lbs. That's a loss of almost 8 lbs!!!I didn't think it was humanly possible to lose all that in a week without starving myself.  But, Melanie told me it is entirely possible. In a week I have drastically changed my eating and drinking habits. I have watched what I ate and tracked every thing I ate (including a single Starburst and a single french fry!). I also made it my mission to increase my water intake almost tenfold. 

Tonight's meeting was a special event actually. It touched on a subject I have been struggling with for years, "Less is More".  And indeed it is. Even though it is a "boring" topic, Melanie managed to engage me completely in the discussion. The main focus was portion control, which is a mystery for a lot of people. They don't know what a portion is or what it looks like. I know, before I started I wasn't fully aware of what a portion size should be. I could sit on the couch an mindlessly chomp on whatever I could find. 

Having to be accountable with points helps me to be aware of what is too much for me. Melanie asked some pointed questions regarding portion size and what drives us to eat out of control. I, for one, have always struggled with emotional eating. I eat when I'm bored, happy, sad, excited, depressed, angry, etc... I realized that I ate without truly experiencing food, without tasting food, making wrong choices and just plain bad habits. This past week, I had made an effort to eat smaller, eat slower, eat better. I was successful. 

I have decided to make it work this time. I realize when I am full instead of eating out of control. I have even ventured out to lunch by myself. I have taken almost my full lunch hour to sit alone and enjoy. I have vowed to make better food choices and I have been making the effort to buy things for myself that are healthy and satisfying, rather than eat empty calories at the food truck on the corner. 

Well, at this point, I am exhausted and scatterbrained, and probably rambling too. So with that being said, good night and thank you to my supportive new friends. Ladies, you may not fully realize the inspiration you are to some people. Your encouragement and support is invaluable to me. 

Friday, October 1, 2010

My new love.

Thank you to everyone who has stumbled across my blog, whether it be from a linked post (Thank you Sheryl and Trixie) or  Twitter. You have all left such supportive comments for me. And I truly hope you enjoy following along on my journey. Now that my thanks are you of the way, to the heart of the post we go...

I am in LOVE, now before anyone says anything, yes I am married. But I discovered a new love today. The Weight Watchers Mobile Tracker!!!!! I discovered it last night after signing up and I used it all day today. If you have a smart phone (Blackberry, iPhone, Droid, etc.), I highly recommend keeping this as a favorite or bookmarked site. It is easy to use, and if you are like me (new to Weight Watchers) and don't know point values yet, it's a life saver. Tracking on the go makes things so much easier. I have found that it truly makes me accountable. I mean there are times where you get busy an forget to track or just don't feel like tracking. But one thing I have come to realize, especially when I used to journal what I ate, you can omit something because you don't want to admit eating it. The only problem I had was that even though I left things out of the journal because I was too embarrassed to admit that I ate them, I couldn't lie to the SCALE.

The scale is Judge and Jury!!! It doesn't lie. 

I tracked everything I ate today even that 1 Starburst candy I ate this morning. (I love my sweets) I am proud to say that I managed to stay within my points today, I went over yesterday (by quite a bit). And I managed to gain 2 activity points despite crappy weather. 

I will post some pictures over the weekend of me at my current weight. I currently don't have any because I hate how I look in pictures. 

And lastly, I'm sorry if this post seems a bit jumbled but I am tired. Been a very long day, just wanted to keep everyone up to date. Thank you again!

And it begins...

Good morning everyone! I wanted to thank Sheryl and Trixie, my new friends, for inspiring me to get off my ass and do something about my weight. 

So last night, I began Weight Watchers! I was a member many moons ago and it was nothing like it is now. Back when I was a member you went to the meetings, weighed in, and chatted a little about what everyone was doing to help lose weight. Boy was I shocked! I registered online and purchased the monthly pass, which includes your eTools. I LOVE IT!!!!! I started tracking my food intake for yesterday, and realized how bad my eating habits are. Things that I think are within normal limits left me way above my daily points and dipped into my weekly points. Now, normally I would be upset with myself for being an "undisciplined" muncher. But I thought, this is my first day. And I got my NYS Insurance Agent License, so I celebrated with some hot spiced apple cider. I know now that I need to keep those to a minimum (4 points apiece). So today, I am going to indulge in "conscientious" eating. I will tell you all about it later.